A Legend in His Own Mind-13

July, 1981

Hey Pal?

Screw you and your suggestion. Binky Wendelsohn III? Come on, what do you think I am? Some country club tennis playing geek? Besides I already picked one.

Mami won't talk to me now. The Dragon Lady says I am denying my family roots. I told her it was a professional move not a personal one, but she wasn't having it.

Anyway, my friend Slovak has an audition for "Laverne and Shirley" at Paramount and he wants me to be his scene partner. Isn't that great? I know it's his audition but they might like me too.

We're doing the linguini scene from "The Odd Couple." You know where Felix is not talking to Oscar and Oscar kicks him out? I'm Felix. We're at Slovak's house trying to rehearse while his girlfriend, Samoa, is running around moving linen from one closet to another. This girl is so hyper. Beautiful Hawaiian girl with long black hair but totally whacked.

Later on she's sitting at the dining room table with a bowl and she dumps an entire box of Captain Crunch cereal inside of it. Slovak is getting mad. Looking like he looks, I wouldn't want to see him angry. He once took on an entire busload of Mormons in Utah. He told me that the reason he had to leave Yugoslavia was because he killed a man in a bar fight.

He says to her, "Now, Samoa, why do you do that? You know you're not going to eat all that cereal."

So she answers him, "Don't worry about it, Hon. Whatever I don't eat I'll just blow dry it and put it back in the box."

I can see it too. This woman is fried.

And talking about fried...are you toasted? Why would you want to join the army? I know they pay for your college but you could have gotten a scholarship. I mean you graduated Summa Cum Laude in high school and you were great in baseball.

You were the star pitcher of our team. I don't know why I still refer to it as our team. All I did was shine the bench. The only time in the season that I actually got up from there was to hit a foul ball that beaned the coach's wife from the dugout.

Why would you want to go somewhere where they treat you like that? I mean they're all so nasty and rude.

August, 1981

Dear PFC Vega,

Does that sound officious enough? Wow! I still can't believe it! You look good in your uniform. But don't be doing anything stupid like volunteering for missions to Yassir Arafat's house. I know we're not at war but they are shipping you to Beirut. I mean, come on, those people throw mortar shells like we throw firecrackers.

When Dad saw your picture, he was so proud. He'd love it if I joined him in the Everglades with his revolutionary group. Revolutionary group! Six old men dressed in camouflage planning to overthrow Castro from an airboat. Not me. Green is definitely not my color. And I don't do well in mud.

I'm sending you a picture of my Head and Shoulders ad. You can hang it up in your footlocker. I'll be the Farrah Fawcett of Lebanon. They have this shot blown up on a billboard overlooking the Ventura Freeway. I have to see a twenty four-foot image of me coming out of the shower every day. Could you die?

I sent the picture to Mami and you know what the Dragon Lady said?

"I'm glad jou changed jour name since jou estarted doing porno."

All you see is my chest! What is she talking about? You know, someone has to tell that woman that she's living in the twentieth century. Abuela thought I looked real cute with wet hair.

Even though I'm "young and confused", Gary still took me to Oil Can Harry's. Another gay bar on Ventura Boulevard. It was very strange. He said it wasn't a date or anything but he hovered over me like a chaperone.

Gary should've been hovering whenever Megan got close. Yes I'm still dancing with her but see we keep winning dance contests. It's a great way to supplement my income.

Anyway I was in the backseat of her car. Well? I couldn't offend her by refusing, could I? She managed to get under me and I'm sweating bullets. She pulls me over her and I start to fumble...I mean, I really don't know where IT is. All of a sudden my search is impeded by flashing lights. She yells, startled, thinking it's a cop. It wasn't! But I took the opportunity to tell her it wasn't safe out there.

I didn't know what else to tell her. Stop yelling at me! You're right. I should tell her that I'm gay. But I don't want to hurt her feelings. I mean, I didn't tell her the first night 'cause I really didn't know. But she doesn't know that. She's gonna think I lied. That I lead her on somehow. I'll just keep subtly refusing her 'till she gets the picture.

On to brighter things. Don finally got his office. It overlooks Sunset Boulevard. I helped him move the other day and we spent all night talking about the clients we were going to have. The sun started to set and let me tell you, it was one of the most spectacular sights I have ever seen. This orange haze covered all of Hollywood. I guess methane gas will do that.

Don wrapped his arms around me and we both sat huddled together and admired that incredible glow. It was one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever had. It wasn't sexual at all. I mean he didn't try anything. Not that he would. He's my friend. But it was this incredible union between our souls. We didn't have to say anything. It was like the mere touch of our bodies communicated everything.

I better stop before this sounds like Harlequin romance erotica. You know, the hot breath on the nape of my neck and things like that. I don't want to get you into trouble when they start to censor this letter.

Well don't do anything I wouldn't do. Not that you ever would.

A Legend in HIs Own Mind-6

October, 1980

Dear Lázaro,

I need to become rich and famous right away so that I can get a maid. I mean, homemaking is not for me. I don't know how anybody does it. It's all so complicated.

I went to do the laundry the other day. I figured it'd be a neat experience. Something I could draw back on for my acting. If I ever had to play one of those househusbands that Women’s Lib is always talking about.

We have a laundry room in the complex overlooking the pool and everything. Not those Blitzkrieg Laundromats in the old neighborhood...if you even looked the other way some little old lady would storm troop your dryer.

I had no idea that certain clothes went in certain temperatures so I bought all Tempa Cheer. That came with a little guide. So I separated all my whites from my coloreds and went to do my first laundry.

I wasn't sure of the amount of soap to put in so I figured the dirtier the clothes, the more detergent you have to use. I dumped the whole box in 'cause those clothes were filthy. Then I went back upstairs to finish watching "Let's Make a Deal."

That show has always fascinated me. Adults dressed up like carrots and bumblebees jumping up and down like lunatics to pick a two-headed llama behind door number three where the lovely Anitra Ford is standing.

I wish I could have hidden behind door number three. When I walked down to see my laundry, I noticed that the pool was full of suds. And they were coming from my washer.

Luckily this lovely old Mexican lady that lived downstairs saw my predicament and came out to help me. Tia Juana showed me how to turn off the water and then helped me clean up most of the mess. She said the rest of the suds would just evaporate with the chlorine.

I had to call Tia Juana again the following night. I was attempting to cook. I had bought a can of Campbell's cream of chicken soup. I opened up the lid, added water and put it on the stove. Before I knew it the damned thing exploded and all the cream was shot up onto my ceiling.

She told me that I had to put it in a saucepan first. I felt really stupid. But then I thought...it's the manufacturer's fault. Nowhere on the can does it say remove contents first. You think I can sue?

A Legend in His Own Mind-4

August,1980

Dear Lázaro,

I'm doing a TV show! Okay it's for Public Access cable but it's still TV. And I'm on every week. You'll never guess what I'm playing? A Brooklyn guido disco dancer named Donny who lives in this run down Hollywood apartment with all these other star wannabes.

This show is taped in back of an antique store in Studio City. The producer, Merrick, says it's the best way to break into television. He says since there are no sitcoms on public access so we're breaking new ground. He already has two half-hour slots and is working on a few more.

Everybody in the cast gives a hundred dollars a week to Merrick. For expenses like tape or camera repairs. But we're on half-hour shows on television. Anybody important can see us.

The color on the cameras isn’t balanced properly so when you switch from one to the other the color changes too. Merrick says it makes it look psychedelic. He says that it worked for "Laugh-In."

There's this big guy named Slovak who looks like Herman Munster. He plays our landlord. This is great casting 'cause I'd be scared to skip out on the rent. Wendy is this real funny lady from San Francisco. Johnna is Merrick's girlfriend. She's writing a musical about her experiences with the downtrodden of society. Working title, "Danny Drop the Gun." Gary is this guy who actually says he's gay. Can you believe that? I've never heard anyone say that before. Totally open about it.

I mean out here it's totally cool. I've seen guys walking holding hands down the street. And I mean guys! Not the velour and paisley crowd stepping out of Greenwich Village bistros. These guys look like lumberjacks. Buzz cuts, moustaches, muscles and jeans. That's fascinating to me. And nice. Very nice.

Then there's this woman, Megan, who acts like she just had a Spanish Fly martini with an oyster chaser. She just doesn't stop. She grabs and gropes every guy on the set. And she's always talking about her husband, Dudley.

I thought she was lying about the husband. You know how Maria Porcari used to invent a boyfriend in The Tombs whenever she wanted to scare away any guy who was getting too hot and heavy for her? But she didn't act like she was entered in the Xaviera Hollander marathon either.

Anyway, I met Megan's husband. He came to do the show also. Skinny, wimpy blond guy. And she didn't stop doing anything. She even did things in front of him. I hate to sound provincial but you know back home that kind of behavior would have gotten you a lot of wailing old ladies at Dimitri’s Funeral Parlor.

Well after a night's shoot, Merrick gathered the whole cast and lit up a reefer. I figured that's what it was since everybody sat in a circle and passed it around. It finally came to me and I saw this teeny tiny cigarette with a flattened out tip. I grabbed it and put it to my mouth making sure that my fingertips were covering its tip. Then I passed it over.

I figured they would all be so stoned that they wouldn't notice that the reefer never touched my mouth.

All I kept thinking about was that I couldn't put anything in my mouth that had been in all those other mouths before.

How gross! That's unhealthy too, right?

Legend in His Own Mind-2

June, 1980

Dear Lázaro,

Well I'm actually here. All my life I've being hearing about this mythical place…and seeing it on countless reruns… and now... I'm actually here! Do you know what a thrill it is to drive down the freeway and see the exit signs saying “Hollywood Boulevard” and “Sunset Boulevard?" I have to pinch myself.

I've stared up at the Hollywood sign on the hill fifteen thousand times and I've only been here a week.

I already went to Grauman's Chinese to see all the footprints. I had to see how mine would look like next to Humphrey Bogart’s or Jimmy Stewart’s. I have decided that mine should be next to Gary Cooper’s. Our feet actually match. And besides they should keep all the two-time Oscar winners together.

Did you know that Betty Grable actually has a leg print? And Jimmy Durante a nose print?

It's such a thrill to actually stand on Hollywood and Vine. Or go to the Griffith Park observatory where they filmed "Rebel without a Cause” and practice walking like James Dean.

I think I’m going to tint my windows.

Yes I bought a car. A beat up, old, canary yellow Volkswagen bug. They're collector's items, you know. Now you know I've never had a car before. What real New Yorker has? And this one's a stick shift! I'm lurching all over the place. Actually the other day I got a great big scare. Let me tell you, buddy boy, some of these streets are pretty steep. I mean straight down like the Cyclone at Coney. Well, I'm parked facing down the mountainside. In order to turn on the engine you have to shift into neutral. But the minute I do that the car starts to roll down this hill. I freaked. Can you imagine rear- ending a car when you haven't even turned on your motor?

Speaking of rear-enders...I hit this lady the

other day driving down La Brea and she looked into her rear

view mirror at me. She asked me with her hand what happened. I looked at her car and gave her an okay sign. She blew me a kiss and drove off.

Talk about laid back California. Can you picture that happening in Brooklyn? She would've gotten out and cursed me in a foreign language. Right after banging the hood of the car and threatening to have her big no-neck boyfriend teach me a lesson.

I found this weekly newspaper called the Drama-Logue that has all of these auditions. So I have my week all mapped out. Problem is I don't know how to get around so well. I always end up on the wrong freeway. They have about fifty thousand of them. All criss-crossing each other like a concrete spider web. It's like the entrance to the George Washington Bridge only three times more. They should paint them all different colors like on a subway map. That'd make it so much easier to get around.

I wish you were here to guide me. You always were better at getting around. Remember how I'd always forget to take the Times Square shuttle and end up on the West Side all the time? Well here the West Side is on the other side of a mountain.