A Legend in HIs Own Mind-6

October, 1980

Dear Lázaro,

I need to become rich and famous right away so that I can get a maid. I mean, homemaking is not for me. I don't know how anybody does it. It's all so complicated.

I went to do the laundry the other day. I figured it'd be a neat experience. Something I could draw back on for my acting. If I ever had to play one of those househusbands that Women’s Lib is always talking about.

We have a laundry room in the complex overlooking the pool and everything. Not those Blitzkrieg Laundromats in the old neighborhood...if you even looked the other way some little old lady would storm troop your dryer.

I had no idea that certain clothes went in certain temperatures so I bought all Tempa Cheer. That came with a little guide. So I separated all my whites from my coloreds and went to do my first laundry.

I wasn't sure of the amount of soap to put in so I figured the dirtier the clothes, the more detergent you have to use. I dumped the whole box in 'cause those clothes were filthy. Then I went back upstairs to finish watching "Let's Make a Deal."

That show has always fascinated me. Adults dressed up like carrots and bumblebees jumping up and down like lunatics to pick a two-headed llama behind door number three where the lovely Anitra Ford is standing.

I wish I could have hidden behind door number three. When I walked down to see my laundry, I noticed that the pool was full of suds. And they were coming from my washer.

Luckily this lovely old Mexican lady that lived downstairs saw my predicament and came out to help me. Tia Juana showed me how to turn off the water and then helped me clean up most of the mess. She said the rest of the suds would just evaporate with the chlorine.

I had to call Tia Juana again the following night. I was attempting to cook. I had bought a can of Campbell's cream of chicken soup. I opened up the lid, added water and put it on the stove. Before I knew it the damned thing exploded and all the cream was shot up onto my ceiling.

She told me that I had to put it in a saucepan first. I felt really stupid. But then I thought...it's the manufacturer's fault. Nowhere on the can does it say remove contents first. You think I can sue?