Toilets! My first letter to you and I’m writing about toilets. Well about one toilet in particular but still…you know what I mean.
Here I am on my way to
You see what happens when you’re not with me!
I was on the plane for what seemed like an eternity. I had never been on a flight that long. Okay fine, I had never been on a flight. (I’m not counting the helicopter ride off the Pan Am building).
I managed to spill some food on myself. Those trays are very unmanageable and those seats are small. My knees were under my chin the entire time. And God forbid the person in front ever wanted to recline.
Anyway I went to the bathroom to check the damage to my pants. I didn’t want to make a terrible impression on Mother’s distant cousin who was going to pick me up. This wasn’t a bathroom. It was a Port-a-Potty with lights. An elevator was roomier.
Anyway I couldn’t see the stain very well because the mirror wasn’t full length. So I stood on top of the toilet to get a better view when the whole plane shifted. (I found out later that they call it an air pocket) It felt like the big lurch when the A train goes over the bridge to Rockaway. So I slipped and my foot got stuck in the toilet.
Now this isn’t a regular toilet either. This thing has a flap that opens up. I guess it goes out into the atmosphere. I don’t know but it scared me to death.
I’m pulling and pulling but my foot won’t budge. So then I see a little button that says stewardess. I figured it was like an alarm button on an elevator. So I went for it. Except I couldn’t reach it very well, stuck like I am with my foot in the toilet. So as I’m twisting around trying to hit this button another one of those nasty air pockets happens and my hand hits the flush button.
Suddenly the bottom of this toilet opens up and I see my foot being sucked down. I had this strange vision of landing in
Can you imagine? Cow killed by Unidentified Flying Oxford.
I walked back to my seat with a step and a thwap. A step and a thwap. And every thwap left a wet footprint on the carpet on the aisle.
I landed in
What an embarrassing beginning to a future illustrious career.