A Legend in His Own Mind-7

November, 1980

Dear Lázaro,

Have I told you how beautiful the ocean is over here? It's incredible. The mountains are right next to the shore. It looks like some European coastline or something. I love to relax driving by it late at night. It's about the only place in this city that the air is clean.

The other night I took off in the direction of Zuma. I had already seen Malibu. After hearing so much about it, I had to see it for myself. It's the neatest thing. From the road all you see are front doors. The rest of the house is on pylons leading down to the beach. For miles and miles that's all you see. Doors. It's like being in the home furnishing department of Sears. Zuma is further north of Malibu and I had never gone that far up. I actually got off and walked on the sand. It's so cold. See the weather drops about twenty degrees every night and the sand is actually cold to walk on. I loved it. I pretended it was snow.

On the way back, I was feeling really sleepy. I got a little bit scared to drive through those mountain overpasses while feeling so drowsy. Leave it to me to nod off and fall off the edge. A brilliant career snuffed out before it even started. Or worse! I could end up disfigured like Montgomery Clift. So I saw a motel down the Pacific Coast Highway and decided to spend the night there.

When I went into the room something odd struck me. The bed was circular and had leopard print sheets on it. They were satin too. I thought it was a bit tacky but hey, this is California. When I lied down on the bed I noticed a mirror on the ceiling. And when I put on the TV there was a porno movie playing...on every channel.

Lázaro, I think this was an adult motel. I'm glad no one recognized me going in there. I would have been so embarrassed to be seen. Of course, now that I have time to think about it, I'm probably the only person in America to spend the night in an adult motel... alone. That must be a record somewhere.

And by the way? Since when are leopards sexy?

December, 1980

Dear Lázaro,

Would you believe that Dudley referred to Megan and me as lovers? See Megan told me that she used to be a beautician and she would cut my hair for free. So I went over to her apartment. Dudley opened the door and said, "I'll be stepping out so I can give you two young lovers some privacy."

I thought I was on "Candid Camera" and at any minute Alan Funt would come popping out with an explanation. I didn't know what to do. I thought it was some sort of trap. You know like when the narc posed as a buyer to trap Polous the Skunk for selling smack in the park. But he really left. And she really cut my hair.

Although she did cut it in the nude. Well she told me that she usually does it this way because clothes constrict her movements too much and she doesn’t want to nick my ear.

Do you think they might be into something strange? I think I saw an episode like that on "Love American Style."

I think it was called, “Love and the Naked Barber.”