A Legend in His Own Mind-9

February, 1981

Dear Lázaro,

You got a freaked out mind, man. I'm not "tying my dick down and putting on a dress". I do those numbers in a bathing suit. That's what makes it funny. I'm a guy, looking like a guy, doing the girly numbers. I don't expect a New Yorker to really appreciate the artistry of that. This is real California.

I'm enjoying it too. I get to dance and I get to pick whatever songs I want to do. And I get to sing them to this Robert Redford look-a-like named Larry. See he plays Chaps Posse, the Texas cowboy who moseyed in here by accident. But he seems to enjoy Go-Go's performances so much he comes back every night just for the show.

I think I'm going to do "Big Spender" from "Sweet Charity" next week. I can see myself climbing all over Larry with that one.

Now I know I'm playing a gay go-go dancer but Gary is always looking at me and making innuendoes. I politely turn him down. You know it's not cool out here to say get outta my face or anything like that. Everybody's like walking, talking smile buttons. And he's really a nice guy. Besides the attention feels good either way.

Speaking of attention, Megan, the nymphomaniac, has been taking me dancing. She says Dudley doesn't like to. We went to Osko's the other night. That's the disco where they filmed "Thank God, It's Friday"

That was wild to be inside that place. You know I had to touch the stage where Donna Summer sang "Last Dance," don't you? That's the woman of my dreams and she was actually, physically there. I don't think I can wash that hand ever again.

I had been noticing two Japanese girls staring at me all night. So when Megan went to the bathroom, I asked one of them to dance. She wasn't a hot dancer but she was real cute and kept staring at me like I was John Travolta or something.

Well Megan came back and saw me. She was not having it. She yanked me away, clasped her thighs around mine and started to gyrate her pelvis up and down my thigh. I felt like the whole disco was looking at us. I know, I shoulda known better. Everybody was too whacked out on coke and screwing someplace else to really care. But I was still embarrassed.

She looked like something out of a bad B -movie. She's dancing all over me, wetting her lips with her tongue and rolling her eyes. Is that supposed to be sexy? If she did that to me in bed I'd call 911. It looked like she was having a seizure or something.

She got down on her knees and tried to unzip my fly with her teeth. I pulled away. Enough was enough, don't you think? I couldn't let her expose me to this whole disco. Especially not in front of the stage where Donna sang. That's like a shrine.

As we're moving around the dance floor, I could've sworn that I saw Dudley in the crowd. I know some blond man waved at us. I wouldn't be surprised.

Do you think they're like Hollywood swingers?

Then something really mind blowing happened and I don't know how to tell you this. I don't even think I want to. But who else can I tell this to? I mean we've been together forever, right?

We went to Norm's on La Brea to eat and she grabbed me and started to kiss me in the car. She started playing the Pointer Sisters "He's So Shy" on her car stereo. I froze up. I kept seeing police lights all over me. It turned out that Norm's is a Hollywood version of a doughnut shop. All the cops hang out there.

All I keep thinking about is that we're going to get arrested for indecent exposure. We're not kids, you know. I'm twenty-one. I don't want to go to jail.

I didn't say anything though. I just kept doing whatever she told me to. I didn't want to offend her. At one moment she takes my hand and puts it between her legs and then puts her hand between mine. She's grabbing me. I mean, all of me. And I'm grabbing...her jeans. The rough, Levi kind too. And I keep thinking one thought over and over...I want to grab what she's grabbing.

Lázaro, I hope you're still there. I hope you didn't drop the flashlight from the fire escape and hit Carlucci's Dalmatian on the head with it. He'll wake up the whole neighborhood.

I'm freaked out, man. I had never thought anything like this before. That clearly anyway.

You know I used to look at the Playgirl centerfolds but that was to check out the celebrities. I mean after Burt Reynolds did Cosmo every major male star went nude. I was studying poses for my turn.

And I used to hang out at the locker room for a long time but you know it was 'cause I admired those swimmers’ bodies. I always wanted to look like that.

I have never been with a girl (I lied about Tina Theocarides) but that was 'cause I'm very shy. And besides Abuela always raised me to be a gentleman and respect girls. Right?

What does that mean? I'd rather be touching what she's touching. I don't think I meant my own. Hell I've been doing that since I was ten.

Of course always while watching “Lost in Space”. Usually when Major Don West was ranting about something.

Oh my God! I think I meant another guy's. Lázaro, what did I mean?

February, 1980

Dear Lázaro,

What do you mean you always suspected? Why didn't you tell me? Don't you think it would've made things clearer for me? Like why I never wanted to pick up the girls' skirts and look underneath them. Or why I always wanted to be close to George Everett even though he was such a jerk.

You think I'm gay? You think that's why I enjoy playing Go-Go so much? And climbing on top of Larry? And Gary's attentions?

I've been thinking about all of this for days now. I don't know which way to go. The other day we were filming a scene for "Queen's Reich" where this actress attacks Go-Go and tries to seduce him. When Rose Petal climbed on top of me and began to kiss me I closed my mouth. I had read in an acting book somewhere that the proper way to stage kiss is to press both sets of lips together with a closed mouth and then move your chin. This gives the illusion of deep tongue kissing without any actual penetration.

So that's what I did. Well her tongue was all over my lips. The more she licked the tighter I pressed them together. Finally after the show was taped she asked me if I was gay. I thought I was just being a gentleman and not taking advantage of the situation. But now I don’t know. Did she spot something that I missed? I'm so confused.