A Legend in His Own Mind-10

March, 1980

Dear Lázaro,

I've decided to do something about my situation. I'm going to find out. Gary invited me to his apartment on Saturday night to watch the Ann-Margret special. I accepted.

Saturday night came. I was so excited that I locked myself out of my apartment. I realized it before I got into my car so I went back up and tried to slide open the window. I managed to crack the glass and cut an artery on my hand. I had to climb over the broken glass on the windowsill to get inside. Then wrap a handkerchief around my hand to stop the bleeding. No hemorrhage was deterring me from my meeting with destiny.

I got into my car and drove off to Gary's house. The pain in my hand was incredible; I couldn't grab the stick. If I put my hand down it would start throbbing. I had to drive the whole way to Studio City with my right hand up in the air like the Statue of Liberty.

I got to Gary's with my heart in my throat. I found him very cute. An older, experienced man of thirty. He would clear my confusion. Oh my God! What if when I touch him I’d rather be touching Megan?

As I'm going to sit down on his couch he asks, "Did you just get fucked?"

I was shocked by the question.

I said, "No! Of course not! Why do you ask?"

He said, "The blood stain on your pants."

I must've stained myself as I was climbing over the windowsill. But what does that have to do with intercourse?

I freaked. "Oh my God! Can that happen?"

He asks me, "What makes you think that you're gay?"

That question came out of nowhere.

I said, "I don't know if I'm gay but I go with whatever I feel."

So he said, "You sound very young and very confused and I'm not going to be the one to clear up your confusion."

I was crushed. He didn't want me and I'm still confused. I mean I like him a lot. He makes me tingle all over whenever I see him. Nobody had ever done that before. So if I didn't like being with him afterwards, that would have cleared up my confusion, right?

I sat in silence watching Ann-Margret go through her gyrations with her Vegas dancers, the whole time thinking up reasons why he didn't want me.

Driving back I don't know what was more bruised...my hand or my ego. I felt so ugly and unwanted. And so disappointed. Between my being lost in my own thoughts of inadequacy and the throbbing of my hand; plus the fact that my body was slightly askew to allow for my left hand to drive and shift; my car sort of moved a little to the shoulder. Before I could do anything, I saw a door fly over the roof of my car. It was a highway patrolman who had stopped to give somebody a ticket. I took a cop's door! I freaked! I did the only thing a kid from our neighborhood could do. Turned off my lights so he couldn't get a good look at my license plate and sped off the Hollywood Boulevard entrance. I took off in the direction of the Capitol Records building and disappeared into the night. I don't even know where that door landed. I hope it didn't land on the cop.

I'm a loser in love and a fugitive from the law. If any feds come asking you about me, you don't know where I am.