A Legend in His Own Mind-15

November, 1981

Dear Lázaro,

I hope you're not in a foxhole when you read this. I don't want to be responsible for you blowing up a body part or something. I have been going to Sunday services at church.

It's not what you think though. Johnna needs me to drive her to the Valley so she can teach Sunday school. This is not a Catholic Church either...it's called Science of Mind. It's really trippy. No fire and brimstone. No guilt! Everything is basically centered around you. You are the master of your own destiny. They had me. Almost.

In the middle of the preacher's sermon he said something about going to a mountaintop to commit suicide and if you jumped off the cliff, but were really, truly sorry on your way down, God would send a couple of angels to pick you up and place you back on that cliff. Somehow that's not a theory I would like to test. Know what I mean?

Johnna is like that, though. Before she met Merrick she was married. And her husband told her that he's going into the next room to blow his brains out. You know what she did? Absolutely nothing! She decided that if he had chosen that path for himself, she could not stand in the way of his destiny. Do you believe that?

Another time this guy approached her in a parking lot to mug her and she ended up giving him her car because he obviously needed the money more than she if he was able to commit such actions. That's how I ended up driving her.

She's really sweet though. She wants to start an Adopt-a-Mugger program. This way citizens who are better off can give money to criminals before they commit the crime. That way they don't have to be punished for it and they will have hope that things will get better.

She works at a piano bar called The Tam 'O' Shantern Inn. Gary and I have gone to see her a couple of times. She always plays "Night and Day" when we come in. She thinks there's something between us. I could only hope. I'm still his "young and confused" friend. Let me tell you, it can get very frustrating. That's the one guy I want to be with and I am not allowed to.

Perfect example. He was late for the show the other day so I went to his house. He only lives a few blocks away from the studio. I got there and he was asleep wearing nothing but purple bikini briefs. I tried to be professional. After all, I was there as an envoy from the show. But he looked so cute.

I tried to wake him to no avail. When I smelled his breath I realized he must be drunk. I didn't understand that. He said he was a recovered alcoholic. All I know is when I picked him up and he fell against my body, I got so turned on that it was visible. If he hadn’t been unconscious I would have shown him how young and confused I really am.

But he was! So I took him to the shower and revived him. I wonder what made him fall off the wagon? I didn't feel right asking. I didn't want him to think I was prying.

December, 1981

Hey Butch Buddy,

Was that macho enough? I was very upset when you told me that you burn my letters after you read them. Knowing where you're at, I think I understand. You don't want your manly pals reading about my unconventional life.

Well go find a match 'cause here comes more unconventionality.

There's this camera operator named Lithium. She had an acid flashback while taping and decided that the camera was a machine gun. She started rat-tat-tatting away in the middle of a scene. They should've put the other two cameras on her. It probably would have been a better show.

Anyway she had been kicked out of the back of the bar where she had been staying. I felt bad for her so she spent that night at my house. The next day she asked me to drive her to Hollywood to meet some friends.

When I got to these guys' apartment I thought I was the one having the acid flashback. Two skinny bare-chested blond guys with their hair pulled back into ponytails greeted me at the door. The apartment was wallpapered with posters of Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and The Doors. There was a color wheel next to the lamp. It bathed the room in a psychedelic light. And of course, the apartment reeked of pot. Cheech and Chong would have been proud.

Then she asked me to drive her to the supermarket. She goes to the frozen food section, opens her blouse and starts to stick steaks inside her bra. I'm freaking out. I'm with her. Technically wouldn't that make me her accomplice?

Can you imagine being sent to Alcatraz and bunking with Bubba the serial killer; and Bubba asking me, "So what did you do kid?"

"Oh I helped a girl steal frozen hamburger from an Alpha Beta."

I would have been passed around that jail more often than that porcelain bong at the Valley party.

I was so glad when I finally took her back to the apartment. The two guys were sitting on an Oriental rug singing along to Jefferson Airplane's "Need Somebody to Love."

I drop Lithium and her frozen contraband off. I'm out of there. As I'm getting into my car a man approaches me and says if he gives me money for gas could I drive him and his old lady somewhere?

In comes this emaciated woman in hip-hugging bell-bottoms and a tie-dyed T-shirt and flops into the backseat of my car. I'm shocked. I was expecting his mother.

He gives me the address to a methadone clinic in Redondo Beach. I spent the major portion of the day driving two recovering junkies through the greater Los Angeles area.

To completely round off my day, I was in Megan's apartment. She told me to help her with her lines. Well, she took me to her bedroom 'cause the light was better in there and began to strip. Let me tell you, I had never been that close to a vagina in my life and now I knew why. As if psychologically traumatizing me wasn't enough, she proceeded to have oral sex with me. She kept grinding her teeth like a weed eater. All the while her cat would keep bouncing up and down on my lap. I don't know what scared me more....her biting it off or her cat shredding it to pieces. It was a moot point anyway. 'Cause the sucker shrank. I swear running naked in the middle of winter over our rooftops wouldn't have made it that small.

I guess she got tired of searching for it 'cause she gave up. Then Dudley walks in. Maybe I'm not hip enough, but how do I explain to this man how I ended up on his bed with his cat covering my privates while his naked wife was attached to my kneecap?

He said hello and began to take off his clothes. This apartment was like a nudist colony. Check your clothes at the door.

Now I don't know what was worse. Her or his teeny tiny pink penis. It looked like a piece of Bazooka bubble gum that had been stretched out of shape. I think I needed to leave. I grabbed my clothes and ran out. I got dressed in their laundry room. I figured if anybody came in I would tell them that I was washing the only clothes I own.

I was at a party that Slovak gave. He was celebrating the fact that he just finished a job as a stunt man for, "Raiders of the Lost Ark." Well Dudley goes up to Slovak's mother and informs her that Megan and I are both his lovers. I was so embarrassed. Then I realized that Slovak's mother spoke no English. Then I got angry. The nerve of that guy. What if reporters for the Enquirer were lurking around? I heard they camp out on people’s lawns.

I should ship him over to you. You'd take care of him for me. You were always there to protect me.